It’s been months since I’ve written on here. In that time a lot of good things have happened, I finished out my time in Philadelphia, graduated from Grace College, I got a cat, I started my first professional job and bought a car. Also, GRAD SCHOOL. But these months have also included overwhelming change, hurt and self-doubt.
I can truthfully say I am the most confident I have ever been. In the past few years, I have been stretched into a much more independent person. And learned to feel happy and confident in me.
But I have been facing a lot of insecurity.
For me, it has to do with imagining what other people think. Whether it has to do with my body shape, my appearance, or the way I do or say things. I allow the hateful comments I believe others are thinking to affect me. It makes me feel disgusted with myself.
With this newly heightened insecurity, I have felt unable to express myself as I once did. I enjoy sharing what’s on my heart and the struggles I face with others —- with the hope of helping someone else feel less alone in their struggles. But I haven’t felt confident in sharing my words, I compare myself to others and think that I am inadequate.
But I am choosing to push through:
This past school year I gained 15 pounds. And for the last few months, I have felt nothing but contempt for myself. I accept myself and think I look good but I’m not happy with my body shape. And it’s heightened when I believe others are thinking the same thing about me.
I honestly hate being another person with insecurity. I wish the confidence I have in myself would do away with insecurity. I want to say that I have overcome and everything is fine. But no amount of built up confidence prevents the day to day, up and down of my insecurity.
The deeper issue is self-doubt.
As a sensitive person, I am easily affected on the emotional level. And tend to take things personally, even when it isn’t meant to be. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of my doubts come from things I read online. I allow the comments of strangers on a public post to bother me, to make me feel like my values and beliefs are laughable. Or that I am a complete idiot for ever thinking a certain way. People tell you not to let others words affect you, but they do. Even if I don’t think about it specifically, it subconsciously bothers me. The hateful words, that aren’t even directed at me, make me doubt every part of who I am.
If you’re reading this today and relating to any of this, I want you to know that it is okay. You don’t have to be strong 24/7, it’s okay that things affect you! But you cannot let it defeat you. You are worth it, you are able and God is with you.
Many times I get overwhelmed with my doubts. SO much so I lose sight of all the good things happening in my life. We have so much to be thankful for, our life, a new day, etc. This darkness of worry and fear overshadows the goodness surrounding us.
Hope
There may be no way to do away with insecurity and self-doubt but it shouldn’t stop us from growing and achieving. I believe it starts with self-acceptance and self-awareness. When I know the things I struggle with, such as insecurity, I surround myself with good things. Such as stuff and people that I love, words that speak truth and definitely a lot of self-care.
I challenge you to identify the struggles you face personally and begin to find ways of pushing back against it.
- Telling those feelings of insecurity that they don’t own you!
- Looking in the mirror and seeing just how perfect you are, just the way you are.
- Facing the issues in your life head-on or letting go of toxic people.
- Reaching out for help from trusted friends and family
- Seeking professional help for deeper rooted issues. With the hope of learning to cope and be free of mental burdens.
We do not need to be defeated by insecurity. We cannot let it stop us.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 94:19
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:6
(A beautiful Monarch butterfly I took a picture of a month ago)
Blank Canvas Blog 